I haven’t posted for quite sometime now. Actually I was little lost. I won’t deny the fact that I was in fact distracted from myself. Couple of days back I was talking to a friend from Costa Rica and he said “Amiga, but you’re always so focused, why are you distracted now?”. My response was “it’s complicated”. And then I thought to myself, was it really that complicated or I made it complicated?
They say humans are always hungry for love. Wherever they find love, they just walk towards that direction. Most of the time we are upset because of another human who fails to understand that being human is just not a clothing brand.
It’s a human tendency, if something doesn’t work out as per our expectations and hopes we really get upset. I don’t know about others but I definitely get stressed and upset at the same time. Last Sunday while doing Yoga I wasn’t able to concentrate and I broke down. It didn’t stop there, it continued for couple of days. And then I had to put an end to my anxiety. I was like enough is enough, I can’t go through this shit anymore. I don’t deserve this but it happened to me and now I am the one to decide whether to swim in my own shit or wash off and focus on myself and my goals.
I was in-secured, my personal life was disturbed, my grandmum passed away at the same time and I didn’t have anyone to talk to it about. By anyone, I mean the people I wanted to be emotionally available for me. I couldn’t even cry when I learnt about my grandmum’s demise. I am not sure what happened. It absolutely doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad or I didn’t love her. But I was very distracted, something was disturbing me. And yes, I figured it out what was it? It’s the people around me, my relationships with others. Somewhere I felt I am making wrong choices for myself by choosing whom I should be with. Do they really deserve that much attention from me? Should I be so available for them? And then what? When I needed them where did they all go? Was it worth my time? I always kept running behind them and they kept pushing me away by saying “Busy now, will call you later.” or the lady on the other side will say “The person you’re calling is not answering your call, please call back in sometime.”and yet I never got the message clearly, as they would come back to me when they needed. But I always thought that’s how it works.
I knew then I needed a new start in life. It’s okay to make wrong choices, it’s okay to give all of you to people. It’s not your fault to trust them or to have hopes. Life happens when we are completely busy planning it. I am really thankful to such people who make me realize my worth in life. I am more focused than I could even think of. I am in a much better place now. I am well focused on myself and my goals. No matter what may come or whosoever it concerns, I am never losing myself again.
We are the best writers of our own story. It’s only us who can decide what to write and which way to take the plot of our life. If something’s not working out, don’t keep struggling, get out of it. If you don’t know how, talk about it to someone. And if you have no one to talk to, you always got your own back. Whatever choice you make, good or bad it will always be yours. If you decide to jump out of your balcony(please don’t), and you survive with fractured limbs and few stitches here there, it’s you who has to pay your hospital bills. Think if you really want to pay those bills or instead you can make better choice for yourself by enjoying that beautiful sunset from your balcony while having that chilled sip of beer.